I am stuck in the future.
The thought that most of my waking moments, those moments outside of the routines that build my future, are just going to be lost and forgotten, completely inconsequential, is agonizing.
If every day I wake up as a slightly different creature, literally at the biological level of the brain, and the only things that remain are adaptations for survival, am I ever really alive? I dont get to live in the way that the average person thinks they live, I am literally just a machine. Observing their actions, I gathered that everybody else is too.
Personally I dont think that human life has intrinsic value, nor do I think that the effect of the death of one person on other people matters, just as it wouldnt matter if those people died along. I dont feel this way as a result of what I said above, it just happens to be the case, but it would make me feel good temporarily if at least somebody said that they related to these feelings.
Next, you could say that you want people to not die because they serve a purpose, but thats a machiavellian/opportunistic way of thinking isn't it? You only care about people because they facilitate your own future and thats despicable. Future means survival and the degree of satisfaction in the lost moments by the way.
If you look at it this way, wrestling with the idea of suicide each day is actually an understandable result of the lack of complete fullfillment, when I think, when I AM really there for just a second, I am not really living anymore am I. Can you know that if this day had happened tomorrow instead, that you would have acted the same way as you did today? You die and are replaced each and every day, when you are THERE you are in agony BY DESIGN, because YOU exist only when you suffer, as though we were trapped in a vessel and only existed to fulfill suffering, so why should you not end the cycle?
I had meant to rant about my feelings, not tie back into religious themes, but this is allowed, right? I think that enlightenment from buddhism is about suicide or lobotomy after all, and I have too much pride to lobotomize myself, so I can only resort to ignoring all of this information and keep dying, because I have too much pride for suicide.
